


Suddenly Free To Fly

by CultofBarrel



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: But also angst for days, Fluff, M/M, Phil is a dork who likes acrobatics, Phil's shitty parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-04-01 11:46:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13997616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CultofBarrel/pseuds/CultofBarrel
Summary: The Circus is Phillip Carlyle’s chance to live his dream, and get a chance to do what he’s been hoping for since childhood. But will he, after years of judgement and parental conditioning, be brave enough to take it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Cult Of Barlyle](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Cult+Of+Barlyle).



* * *

 

Phillip sighed sadly, staring at the crumpled and worn flyer in his hand. Remembering when he first saw it all those years ago, he pinned it to the wall of the theatre, smoothing it out hopelessly. His plays needed hired acrobats for some of the interlude scenes and he badly wanted to do it himself, but he knew he wouldn’t. Couldn’t. There’s no way it would be accepted.

 

The flyer was old. It asked for volunteers for an acrobatics act that had been and gone years ago, but Phil had kept it. Holding onto some stupid hope that one day he could actually follow his dreams.

 

Nursing a glass of whiskey, he looks up as the tall, looming silhouette of P.T. Barnum’s approaching figure. Phillip knew full well who he was, having seen his acts before, in a hope of soothing his aching heart. Putting on an air of unfamiliarity, he took a swig of his drink before greeting the older man.

 

“Phillip Carlyle? P.T. Barnum.” The man introduces, sticking his hand out in greeting.

 

Phil returned the gesture, firmly shaking the man’s hand. “From the Circus?” He asks, pretending not to know.

 

“You’ve been?” The man asks in wonder, appearing quite surprised

 

“No, god no.” _Liar_ “But I have seen the crowds. People say your shows leave people a great deal happier, which is much more than I can say for my plays.”

 

“Yet you seem to have no trouble selling tickets”

 

“It’s because I’m selling something of virtue”

 

“Can I buy you a drink?” P.T. asks, turning to lead the way as Phil nods. Phil takes one last look at the theatre, before making a decision to take his precious flyer with him, for hope.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“I can’t just run off and join the circus” _Liar, yes you can._

 

“Of course you can, come on, you clearly have a flair for show-business” _Show Business? He can’t possibly mean - shut up, even if he did, you wouldn’t deserve it._

 

Phillip wasn’t sure if the little voice inside his head was his own or a combination of both his parents; all he knew was that it had always been there, pushing him in the _sensible_ direction.

 

“Show business? That’s not a thing” _But it could be._

 

“I just invented it. So, right here, right now, I put the offer out. Don’t want to chase you down, I know you see it” Phillip’s heart beat faster as it was subconsciously filled with hope.

 

“I hate to tell you but it just won’t happen. Now I admire you, and that whole show you do, but I’’ll have to leave that up to you.” _Hiding from your dreams again are you? You’re such a coward Carlyle._

 

“Is this really how you like to spend your days, whiskey and misery and parties and plays?” _He’s got you there Carlyle._ Phil ignored that little voice inside his head, practically inhaling his shot of whiskey - how many drinks had he had already tonight - before continuing.

 

“If I were mixed up with you, I’d be the talk of the town, disgraced and disowned, another one of the clowns.” _You would be anyway if you followed your goddamn dreams. That’s all they should ever be. Dreams._ Phil felt for the old flyer in his pocket in response, recalling the first time he ever openly rejected his own hopes and _dreams_.

 

“But you would finally live a little, finally laugh a little, just let me give you the freedom to dream” _You, don’t, deserve it. Shut it._ “Now that’s a deal, that seems worth taking, but I guess I’ll leave that up to you” _You’re not going to take it, are you. You coward._

 

“Well it’s intriguing but to go would cost me greatly, so what percentage of the show would I be taking?”

 

_You’re actually doing something for once in your life? This is new, how long before you fuck it all up? Hmm?_

 

“Fair enough you’d want a piece of all the action. I’d give you 7 we can shake and make it happen”

 

_It’s more than you deserve._

 

“I wasn’t born this morning, 18 would be just fine”

 

_You’re pushing it._

 

“Why not just go ahead and ask for nickels on the dime?”

 

_See? Even he knows you don’t deserve it._

 

“15”

 

_Still pushing it, you’re ruining your chances. Like you always do._

 

“I’d do 8”

 

“12” _Just give up already!_

 

“Maybe 9”

 

“Ten” _You were lucky there, but you have enough time to fuck this up._

 

“It seems, Sir, that you have yourself a junior partner” _Don’t be stupid, you think you mean that much to him? Conceited aren't you?_

 

“What I have, Mr Carlyle, is an over-compensated apprentice”

 

_Told you. Well, try not to mess this up, and for god’s sake, forget that goddamn dream. It’s not worth it._

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Phin and Phil burst into the circus, and out onto the balcony that overlooks the rehearsals going on within the ring. Phil watched in wonder, staring as the acrobats performed their routine, a little flash of hope fluttered through him, before he squashed it down, knowing it’d never happen, but looking on in awe all the same.

 

His eyes filled with want and longing, when he saw one of the acrobats, gracefully tossed into the air, clasping hands with the pink haired lady on trapeze, looking as though they were flying, before letting go, and allowing themselves to fall back down, absolute trust in those there to catch them. This is what Phil’s always wanted, he wants to feel like he can fly, he wants to learn, to trust again, but he knows he can’t have it, and it’s slowly destroying him.

 

Blinking back tears, he looks up to see the pink haired lady, swing across the room towards him, hanging on to nothing but the rope, almost floating. His gaze turns to one of complete admiration and awe, and little jealousy. For he too, wants to fly. He comes back to reality as she swings away, back to the other side of the room. Shaking his head to clear his mind of all his fanciful dreams, he rids himself of the hope he normally clings to, his dreams. He knows that can’t happen, he’s here for his money, and that’s all it’s ever gonna be.

 

“Anne! W.D! I’d like to introduce you to my newest hire, Mr Phillip Carlyle.” Phin waved two people over, once they had joined the rest of the circus on the lower floor. They were the trapeze artists Phil had admired so much.

 

The pink haired lady, Anne, looked up at him and asked “So what is your act Mr Carlyle?”

 

_Acrobati- No. No it's not, you’re not here for that, get it through your head Carlyle, they don’t want you for your stupid so called ‘talent’ they want you for your money, and that’s all. Accept it._

 

“I-I-I don't have an act” _Oh how you wish you had a proper answer, well tough._

 

“Everyone has an act” Anne smouldered, before gliding off, leaving Phillip to stare after her sadly, hopelessly dreaming that he could be like her one day. Doing the thing he’d always wanted to do, and being accept- no, praised, for it.

 

A few weeks later, having mentally mapped out the entire building to avoid running into anyone, Phil gave in to his urge to try out the acrobatics equipment. He watched the acrobats do their performance again and again and again, learning it. He would practice it, in the dead of night when no one was around, in the centre of the ring, so he could finally feel like he belonged. He was initially paranoid that someone would find out this secret, but he’d been hiding for so long, it was time for him to be… Him.

 

Having taken one of the spare training leotards from storage, a light purple one with silver swirling patterns along the sides, he felt strangely comfortable for something that was a little small for him. It would do for now.

 

He did the acrobats choreography again and again, slightly sad there was no one to help him with lifts, for he wanted to be able to fly, like the others did during their acts. A couple times, he dared to use the trapeze ropes, to really get the feeling of flying, soaring from one end of the room to the other, but he knew all too well how dangerous it was to try trapeze without training.

 

Eventually, he learnt the parts of the acrobat routine that he could do alone, perfectly. Not a single step out of line, and he loved it. Flipping through the air and spinning into lands really gave him the happiness that he’d been craving for so long, he just wished he could tell people. Sadly, from experience, reactions to this kind of ‘freak talent’ were not well received. Particularly to a young boy in high society.

 

He was halfway through a spin, when he heard footsteps. Shocking him into landing on his ankle, he stumbled. Hearing the footsteps appear to fade away, he shakily righted himself and continued the routine, not hearing the footsteps return, nor did he hear the door open.

 

There, in the doorway, stood Phineas, frozen in awe as he watched Phillip perform the acrobat’s routine, _perfectly._

 

Spinning round to end his routine, Phil locked eyes with Phineas. He held his gaze for a few seconds, before realising who he was staring at and squeaking in shock. Stumbling, he ran for one of the other exits, which caused Phin to try and reassure him, running after him.

 

It only spurred Phil on to run faster, more afraid of Phin in that moment. Not really watching where he was going, he collided into one of the pillars. The sudden collision pushed him backwards onto the floor slightly, shocking him into looking up, straight at the collapsing pillar that was about to fall right on top of him. _What did I tell you, I told you to keep your goddamn dream just that, a dream, and you didn’t. And now you’re going to die, you’ll never get to do acrobatics again._

 


	2. Chapter 2

He should’ve noticed his interest in acrobatics a long time ago; then again, he’s surprised his parents didn’t notice it either. He was very obviously a flexible, but not quite athletic child. Since he learnt how to walk, he’d been able to twist himself around tree branches and climbing frames and ropes, in ways the other children couldn’t.

He could climb really well too, and really quickly, which didn’t really help with him making friends. The children in school didn’t like him because he was  _ different,  _ he could do things they couldn’t, and in their society, upper class children were supposed to be the same, perfect little robots to be moulded however their parents wanted. Children weren’t supposed to have curiosity or independent thoughts, wants, and needs, they were to be seen as perfect. In the Carlyle’s world, little Phillip’s interests were despicable, disgusting, and wrong.

Phillip very quickly taught himself to hide from his parents. His flexibility was a bonus here, it allowed him to squash himself down into small places where he wouldn’t be found, and to climb to places that were seemingly inaccessible to other people, like air vents in the upper part of the walls and gutters of roofs or service ducts or up the sides of walls that don’t appear to have handholds to climb with.

As he grew older, his talent and interest in acrobatics and flexibility only strengthened. School playgrounds were remarkably useful for teaching himself to cartwheel and do handstands and strange flexible contortionist things that the other children found weird and unnatural. These comments, if anything, spurred him on, made him try harder. He didn’t really know why, but he wanted to prove it wasn’t weird, that he was worthy too. Of course, this didn't work. Nothing as freakish as contortionism or unnatural flexibility of the body would be accepted by the upper class society that little Phillip Carlyle was born into.

The children Phil’s parents pushed him to become friends with, the ones they had deemed acceptable and to have good influences, once dared him to do the splits, jeering and joking, leering at the weird boy who most likely couldn’t do it. Phillip silently lowered himself down into an almost perfect split, staring the other child dead in the eye. Only hindered by upper class school uniforms that didn’t allow adequate flexibility. It was enough to either impress or intimidate his classmates to the point where they left him alone for a while.

Phillip’s parents, often took him to see plays, not exciting plays, but the boring ones they had decided were good and educational and influential enough to matter to Phillip. Phillip was more impressed by the dancers in the background scenes, watching, eyes alight in awe at the acrobats on show. Phillip’s parents simply took his sudden attention as interest in the play, and decided this was good for Phillip, meaning he got to see lots of similar plays, never once paying proper attention to anything besides the people living out his dream.

There was one time he went, that stuck with him over the years. The one time when little wide eyed and hopeful Phillip saw a piece of paper nailed to the notice board outside the theatre while his parents were acquiring their tickets.  When he noticed the paper was a flyer about a request for more people to fill the acrobatics roles in plays, he was suddenly reading with rapt attention. He knew full well he could never sign up, even if he was old enough, it would never be accepted, he’d be a  _ scandal,  _ his parents would probably disown him in shame, so he kept quiet.

Noticing his parents were at the front of the line, he instinctively stuck his hand out and pulled the flyer off of the wall, stuffing it in his jacket pocket and pulling his innocent child face as his parents came back. He never forgot that flyer, and he never let it go, he kept it all through his childhood as a beacon of hope in his suffocating life. It was the flyer that would change his life, and little Phillip Carlyle didn’t even know it yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Phil saw his hopes and dreams flash before his eyes as the column collapsed, his focus entirely on the incoming column. He did not see Phin running at him, but he definitely felt Phin as he pushed him to the side, rolling them both away from the rubble. Hearts pounding against their rib cage , they both laughed nervously, eyes full of relief as Phin is on top of Phil, shielding him from the flying chunks of debris. With their faces only inches apart, Phil giggled slightly, whether from nerves or something else, he wasn’t entirely sure. Distracted by Phin’s golden whiskey coloured eyes, he stared. Phin was pretty when he laughed. As the adrenaline began to wear off, Phin slowly clambered off of Phil, before holding his hand out to help him up. 

 

Phil began panicking, as Phin had just seen his secret and it worried him. He’d only been here a few weeks, but this felt more like his home than his house did, and he wanted to stay. Phin slowly seemed to realise what he’d just seen Phil doing.

 

“Are you okay?” Phin asked, quickly scanning Phil for any injuries. “So, how come you never told me about this?”  He said, gesturing towards Phil’s leotard.

 

Embarrassed, Phil looked away, blushing brightly.  _ What did I tell you, you’ve gone and fucked up cause you focused on your stupid dream. Give. It. Up.  _ “I-I-wasn’t sure if - if it would be needed, or accepted for that matter. God knows my parents wouldn’t like it”

 

Sensing Phil’s unease at the discussion, Phil moved them away from the collapsed column, disrupting the conversation for a second. “Would you like to join the acrobatics act? You seem to have picked up the routine very well, I’m sure you’ll take to it in no time” He asked, watching as Phil’s face lit up at the prospect of finally achieving his dream.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Several hours later when it was a normal, functioning time and the whole circus was awake, Phineas gathered everyone together for his latest announcement.

 

“Everyone, I’d like to reintroduce my newest hire Mr Phillip Carlyle, our newest acrobat” Phin introduced, dramatically gesturing towards Phil, who stood next to him, still wearing the acrobat training leotard.

 

The current acrobatics team, made up of gymnasts Pina and Rose and trapeze artists Anne and W.D. were slightly skeptical to Phil’s skills, having only known him a few weeks and having never seen him do acrobatics, nor even mention that he could do it. Their disbelief was shown clearly on all their faces especially so when a couple people crossed their arms and almost scoffed.

 

Phil looked away sadly, shame appearing within his eyes. Of course they wouldn’t believe him. They had every right not to. Turning to walk away, Phin put a hand on Phil’s shoulder, redirecting his gaze towards Phin, or past Phin and over his shoulder, in this case.

 

“Show them, show them what I saw.” Phin encouraged. But Phil was distracted, looking over Phin’s shoulder into the ring, he finally made out what was against the wall. Thoughts spinning through his head, he gently pushed Phin to the side.  _ Oh no. Don’t do it, it's not going to work! _

“You-this-we have a trampoline?” Phil breathed, loud enough for the crowd to hear, which only heightened their confusion. He hesitated slightly, before breaking into a run, shocking everyone, including Phineas, as he appeared to be running away.  _ You. Are. Insane. Stop!! _

 

Ignoring himself, Phil sped up, jumping when he reached the trampoline. As he bounced a couple times to build up momentum, he launched himself upwards, spinning in almost lazy circles, before gripping Anne’s trapeze hoop, in mid air. 

 

Taking a deep breath, he pulled himself up and twisted himself around the hoop several times, folding himself over into a position in where he could almost  _ dance _ in the hoop. Following a piece of Anne’s routine before curling around the hoop and letting go, allowing himself to freefall through the air before righting himself, bouncing a couple times on the trampoline once more, slowing himself down.

 

Once he was only bouncing lazily, he flipped himself onto the floor, continuing the gymnasts routine on level ground. It was equally as intricate as his airbourne moves, lots of twists and turns and flips that would be impossible for most people. When he finally stopped the more hectic part of the routine, he lowered himself closer to the ground, contorting his body into positions that only the circus’ resident contortionists Pina and Roslyn could do.

 

To end his  _ act,  _ he managed to untwist himself, before doing one final cartwheel, ending up standing back next to Phineas. The entire circus was in awe. None of them had seen Phil move like that, not even Phin.

 

Shaking herself out of her shock, Anne crossed her arms and smirked. “Looks like you did have an act after all. Just never thought to tell anyone did you?” Phillip smiled at her, seeing the humour in the situation, which caused a couple others to laugh, and for the rest of the acrobatics team to step forward, welcoming him into their group.

 

Smiling absentmindedly at the scene in front of him, Phin piped up “Obviously you’re going to need a costume now, but until then, you can perform in that” He stated, gesturing towards Phil’s training leotard “Well, I’ll leave you in the hands of the acrobat team, the rest of you are dismissed to practice” The circus troop split at Phin’s words and headed off to practice, leaving Phil, Pina, Anne, W.D and Roslyn to discuss Phil’s entry into the team.

 

Eventually, they came to the conclusion that Phil would participate in lifts, and would do air routines with Anne for most of the shows however would also do ground level performances during the beginning and end to performances.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phil’s first time actually performing as an acrobat was the best thing he could ever have imagined. He loved the rush of free falling through the air and he never wanted to give it up. His first performance was a routine with Anne, where he was thrown into the air as she let go of the hoop, they met in the middle and he caught the hoop above her, holding her in place to stop her from falling.

 

The both loved it, loved the rush of risking their lives for performances. They’d switch places a couple times during performances, just to keep the audience on the edge of their seats. It was as he let go of Anne’s hoop halfway through their routine into a trust fall, when he saw them sat in the crowd. Sat straight and tall, completely unresponsive like the upper class robots they’d been brought up to be. Eyes cold and dark, eyes that only got darker and more hate-filled when they saw him, falling through the air surrounded by freaks. 

 

Sat in the crowd, glaring at him, were his parents.


	4. Chapter 4

For the remainder of the performance, Phil’s thoughts never left his parents in the crowd. He could see them the entire time, just sitting there glaring, waiting for the performance to be over. When the lights went down and the singing stopped, and the circus filled with with the audience cheering and clapping, Phil froze. Pure fear-fulfilled adrenaline had kept him going while they were performing, but now it was over his fear came flooding back. 

  
A few of the other acrobats noticed his frozen figure and worked out what he was staring at. Immediately jumping to his defence, they circled him like a protective bubble and escorted him off stage. Once away from the crowd and the ashamed stares of his parents, he collapsed onto the top of a costume box and curled in on himself.

 

_ You’re screwed, you knew this wasn’t going to last you dumb fuck. Now look what you’ve caused.  _

 

Rocking back and forth and shaking like a leaf, he didn’t hear Anne calling over Phineas. His breathing getting shallower and shallower as Phin approached. Slowly becoming aware of Phin’s hands on his shoulders, he eventually got his breathing to match Phin’s, although it was still very unsteady. 

 

“Phil?” Phineas asked, eyes flickering over Phil’s face, desperate to be sure that Phil was okay. “Phil? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Panic filled him as Phil failed to respond, his eyes glassy and unfocused, lost in his own fear.

 

“My-my parents are here" he stuttered out, eyes refocusing as he looked up at Phin’s worried face. “They were in the crowd, and now they're going to come looking for me" He explained, clinging a little tighter to Phineas’ arms in fear. 

 

“shhh- Phillip it's okay, I won't let them hurt you, I promise” Phineas replied, pulling Phillip closer into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around him protectively. The rest of the circus troupe instinctively went to block all the backstage entrances, stopping anyone going in or coming out.

 

“Are you going to be okay now?” Phin asked, helping Phillip stand up by supporting him.

 

“Yeah-Yeah I think s-" Phil was cut of by commotion coming from one of the backstage doors. He backed up instinctively and clung to Phin in desperation. It wasn't long before the group of circus members were thrown aside roughly in a rage fueled shove. Phil's father then barreled into the room with a furious and threatening look on his face, with Phil's mother following meekly behind him. 

 

Phil tried in vain to hide behind Phineas, but was spotted in the small backstage corridor. Pulling Phineas with him, he backs up slightly and visibly winces when his father begins to shout.

 

“Phillip Bailey Carlyle! How low you have sunk to be hanging out with people like this! You are a disgrace to the Carlyle name! Joining the circus?! How dare you dirty your family's name!” He spat angrily, attempting to take swipes at Phillip but was constantly blocked by Phineas. 

 

“You're a coward too! Hiding behind these people as if they care. You should be smarter than this Phillip! You are a Carlyle, they're only after your money! You're too much of a coward to say no, you wont even face me!” Phins face darkened and his eyes went cold.

 

“You're figure isn't as pleasing to the eye as most other gentlemen, Mr. Carlyle, therefore I do not blame him." Phineas snarked, grinning as he heard several snorts and badly concealed laughter echo around the room. Ignoring the comment to attempt another swipe at Phil, who shrinks further back behind Phin, linking his fingers with Phin’s and holding his hand behind his back.

 

“Phillip, you can be saved from this. If you come with us now then we can fix your reputation! You won't have to be around people like this anymore” Phil came out from behind Phineas, now visibly holding his hand.

 

“I don't give a shit about your reputation! I never have! I'm not going with you! I belong here. This is my family now and I don't appreciate you insulting them!” He fired, breathing deeply as he squeezed Phin’s hand tighter for support.

 

“Family? Phillip dear, you're confused.  _ We  _ are your family. Just, come home Phillip. We can fix this!” His mother called out.

 

“Mother, its _ not  _ broken! There is nothing to fix! They've been more of a family to me than either of you have  _ ever _ been!” Phillip yelled. Phineas pulled him backwards slightly, letting go of his hand to wrap his arm around Phil's waist. Phil's father's eyes flicked over Phin and Phil's position, eyes widening and face darkening.

 

“That's enough sir. You will be escorted from the premises for trespassing backstage and for insulting, and attempted assault of one of our family. You do not come back Mr Carlyle, your son is protected here. You would do well to stay away from now on.” Phineas interrupted, curling his arm tighter around Phillip's waist and nodding towards several of the circus troupe to ‘escort’ Mr and Mrs Carlyle from the premises. 

 

His parents had barely left the room before Phillip had Phineas pinned against the wall, hands in his hair and kissing him deeply. Phineas happily responded in kind, arms circling Phillip's waist. Cheers and laughter from the remaining circus members filled the room as Phil reluctantly backed away. 

 

“Thank you, for protecting me and defending me.” Phillip grinned up at Phineas, eyes sparkling with joy.

 

“If that's your response to me protecting you, then I'll never leave your side” Phineas joked, hugging Phil tighter. Phillip laughed and rested his head on Phin’s chest smiling at his new found family.

 

_ You're safe now Phillip, and you always will be. You're free to fly. _


End file.
